Worst joke ever thread

[StinkyPETE]

I have been busy at work lately and not had too much time at home,
so to make amends i bought...
my Son an "I phone"
my eldest Daughter an "I Pad"
my youngest Daughter an "I Pod"
and for my lovely wife an "I Ron"

[B2.1]

As in Attachment 5103
???

[B2.1]

Apparantly, Chas and Dave will be reforming together with Snoop Dogg, and will be releasing a brand new single.



It's going to be titled 'Knees up Mutherf**ka!'

[Scous3r]

Irish authorities today uncovered a mass grave of snowmen.

further tests revealed it was a field of carrots

[Mr Tickle]

[lapetus]

What do you get if you insert human DNA
into a goat?



Banned from the petting zoo.

[B2.1]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!

Thanks to Legs for this

[StinkyPETE]

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

[B2.1]

The belief and management systems of the world described through cows...



SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

[lapetus]

Q: What do you call a woman with two c**ts?
A: N-Dubz.

[StinkyPETE]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied,

"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[cyph3r]

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

[cyph3r]

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

[zappaDPJ]

When visiting a farm at the weekend, I saw a scarecrow attempting to masturbate.

The poor sod was just clutching at straws.

[zappaDPJ]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped
on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or
backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the
floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody well suctioned myself to
the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast
girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't
do it," Wayne said, "So let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Wayne ..

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for
that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."

[Neostar]

i said to the wife in bed "give us a chilean miner, would you darling"

"whats that" she replied

So i said, go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there till christmas!